Thursday, June 21, 2012

confuddled with clarity

I don't even know if my title makes sense. My brain is full of crap but I have clarity at the moment. The fog that I have been carrying the past few days is again lifting. I spent some time this morning writing. The block I was facing has gone and I see my book's direction again. Thank God I was starting to worry. Writing my book has been a god send. Just when I think things are falling apart at the seams the brief interludes into my writing get me through and rejuvenate my mind.

At first I though i was cured of allowing myself to be brought down and bogged down by life's situations and other peoples problems. So not the case. But I also realized again today that when I say it's not life's situations that determine your path but how you handle them that that's the whole truth.

everyone has problems and situations . Some more than others. But these are my problems and its my blog so I will see them as a big deal even if others don't.

I am worried about a lot of things these days. I worry about money even though its always there when I need it. I worry about my business although it has been surviving through the worst of times. My son graduates next week and I have university to pay for in September with no clue who I will do it but I will do it. I have to work on his scholarships with him and his osap application. He wont get more than 1/3 covered with osap but its better than nothing.
I have five people (family) coming next week for the grad and my house is upside down. I have been so busy. We are in the midst of finding a new agency for our son the child actor and its stressful. we have had a couple of really good offers but we have to meet the #1 kids agent today before we make a final decision. It really hard knowing what to do. They all have merits and they all have downsides. Personalities, internal competition and we have to think long term. from both an emotional and business standpoint. There is one christian loves and I cant keep from thinking maybe that's our answer. But i don't know and I hope after today's meeting I will know. We almost didn't take today's meeting but the universe insisted we do. many things stood in the way of us accepting an offer we thought we were taking. We couldn't ignore the signs.
My aunt passed away two days ago. She had cancer. I am grateful her battle was only six weeks though. It could have been a much longer painful process for her. The outcome was inevitable as the cancer was in her brain, her spine and her lungs. When she was admitted in the hospital the found she had already broken two vertebrae and had shrunk in height a few inches and she had lost her sight in one eye due to a crushed cornea. I did drive home to visit her for a few day. It was a two day drive there and back that I would do again and I have no regrets. I chose to stay home for the funeral as I said my good byes when I last saw her. I knew I was saying good bye the last time I left the hospital. The said thing is I think the night before the last time I saw her she did too. She squeezed my hand in a way that said volumes. The last night she was a little more quiet and I think a bit irritated by her situation but we had that moment the night before that I will carry forever in my heart.
I bought her a new pillow for the bed and a body pillow for comfort. I was so happy that I could offer her some comfort even if it was just a little bit. I also brought her her favorite Chinese food dish and made her a lobster sandwich. She loved both and I felt like a million bucks watching her eat them. I really did mean everything to me to be able to offer her something that she really enjoyed.

My brother and his wife are suffering through a nasty patch. they have a little girl and i worry about all of them. I spoke to a friend yesterday that did make me feel a bit bit better. Its something many kids have witnessed and they make out just fine. I will hold on to that moving forward. Maybe I should send her a message thanking her for the words of wisdom. she deserves to feel good as she made me feel better.

My sons grad party is on Canada day and my niece decided to hold her sons third birthday party the same time. I am not sure why she did that. It hurts a bit because my son who is graduating is such a great kid and its a bit of a snub to him. Maybe my niece wasn't thinking that way but as a mom I do. she is thinking of her son. Which I get but honestly a kids birthday party have it the day before. People never have their kids party on the day. The usually have it on the Saturday closest. Even if the birthday is a holiday. My birthday is Christmas day I have never had a birthday party on my birthday . Its a small thing but added to everything else its just one more thing.

I feel so much better getting this out and getting some more work done on my book. I think the next few weeks it'll be hard to get too far involved into my writing but I have to sneak it in here and there for my sanity.

So I know anyone reading this might thing blah blah cry me a river but this is my blog and I do this for me in place of a journal. I am okay sharing my thoughts because I want to be real with the world. real with myself and hold back nothing. Its a welcomed change in me. I bottle things up and then explode. At least if I clear my thoughts by emptying them onto the web i wont cry them around and I wont explode.
The weather is perfect today. I have to do a bit of house cleaning and get my bubba ready for his last interview. Things will get better I know it and after writing my thoughts I am feeling better already! I am going to send my friend that message NOW

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